Friday, 2 December 2011

Flippin’ 'eck

I’m at the point of distraction. My innocent phone is being an arse!

A big, giant, wobbly, hairy arse of epic proportions.

I have put up with its many inadequacies including its ungainly figure and nail trapping buttons, its bizarre menu layout (I imagine every sensible layout had been copy written) and truly awful ringtone library.

But all this is nothing in comparison to its demented personality. It chooses its own ringtone as my choices are inadequate (it doesn’t like Dolly Parton apparently) it writes its own text messages or inserts peculiar word or number choices into my own. It chooses when to take photos, not when I want, but when it thinks that perhaps it has captured something magical, like my nose.

He's a bloody cocky git an' all
Its worst habit is lying. It lies about having received messages, or having sent messages, it lies about people ringing me, as if it is too embarrassed to tell me that I missed a call. And most annoying of all it lies about being charged. Three seconds after attaching it to the charger it emphatically screams “I’m Charged!” It bloody isn’t.

‘Get a new one then!’ I hear you shout with exasperation.

But what? I am utterly befuddled by things which zap and swing and sing. I want a neat little brick that makes and receives calls. If it is not too much effort I would like it to have a text message service as well (I hate talking to people).

I don’t even want a camera. My life is miserable enough without proof.

I don’t want to pay one million pounds a month for the rest of my life for a complicated piece of gadgetry which will never be used to its full potential and is out of date before it hits the shelves.

And now, thanks to the overcomplicated world of ‘the latest thing’ I sound like a barmy old bint that accuses iPod’s of sorcery. Well thank you very much.


  1. This post is aptly timed, as this very morning I was reflecting on my distinctly unnecessary iphone. yes, it WAS exciting when it first arrived, and we all said 'oooohhh!' when it was unveiled from it's box. my dad even exclaimed "if only your granddad was still here, what would he make of it?!" bless.

    But this morning, I was staring at it with a growing feeling of self-disgust. For you see, I realised that I have owned it for over a year now, and in all that time, have not downloaded a SINGLE 'app'. All I have are the features that it came with.
    i got the iphone because i wanted an ipod, which is, what i can gather, a bewitched walkman that just knows and can play ANY song in my collection, apparently. Well no, apparently not, because my music is all on cds and thus too big to slot into it. I see no way of putting the music on the discs into this small box. This means that all my music remains on the shelf, in their sleeves.

    And my fancy iphone, for all it's smug, masturbatory self satisfaction, is but an impotent husk of wasted potential. I use it to make calls, to text, and to check emails/facebook. And perhaps google anything i may need validation for. oh and google maps; thats a handy feature, which also makes me feel like i'm in the SAS.

    So, really, all it brought to the table, over my old phone, was the use of the internet. Which is an ok, but kind of 'meh' addition to my life.

    My friend's iphones are stuffed full of 'fun' apps. It makes me feel worthless.
    Mine is not even registered, which is why i cant download these ‘apps’. And in a full year, i still have not got round to registering it. It’s all too technical for me and i feel intimidated by it. So I bury my head in the sand. Also, i have no computer. Apparently, I need to have one? They didn’t put that on the promotional material. I feel like a mug who unwittingly bought into a pyramid scheme.
    To summarise; I didn’t realise that getting this phone would simply make me feel inadequate, ostracised by the modern world. i hate it.

  2. Then alas my post is not aptly timed at all - it is late.

    A whole year late.

    You have been wasting your time masturbating over your iPhone (what you do is up to you, I do not judge) and trying to work out how to play your CD's on it when you should have listened to me in the first place and avoided the damned things altogether.

    I trust that in the future you will check with me before you do anything. I think that would be safer for everyone.

  3. i think you are right.

    i had forgotten about you, and your powers. You are like the oracle from The Never Ending Story. In future, i will place any life decision that i am umming and ahhing about in front of you, stand back, and watch it either pass through validated, or be blown to to smithereens from the lasers that shoot from your all-knowing eyes.

  4. Good. Well done (you're a bit slow, but never mind).