Thursday, 17 May 2012

Curse you, Tesco!

This is a stern letter which I shall be sending to the corporate giant, Tesco.

To Tesco Representative,

RE: Tesco Classic Coffee 300G

Ordinarily I would begin any letter, or even e-mail, with the word ‘dear’, however due to my recent dissatisfaction, I feel this would be inappropriate.

I am not a fussy person, but I do have my likes and my dislikes. I also have specific dietary requirements and as a result, the scope of victuals I may consume is severely limited and many of the foodstuffs I typically enjoy have become inaccessible. This makes me sad.

Therefore you can see it has become particularly important to me that I am able to enjoy the limited fare to which I am permitted.  

the offending article
As a large, some would go so far as to say ‘super’, store you have a vast array of brands available, local brands, foreign brands, brands the likes of which I have never seen. Yet I have been unsatisfied with such superfluous brands and have chosen instead to consume your very own ‘Classic Coffee’.

Being lactose intolerant, I must have my coffee black, but not too strong. As a result I have a heightened awareness of the flavour, and any changes which may occur within the coffee will be more obvious to me than to perhaps another consumer taking their coffee with lashings of cream, milk, demerara sugar and those little chocolate bits.

Thus I come to the nitty-gritty of the grievance.

I declare that at some point between March 26th and April 28th the year of our Lord 2012, you, the accused, did change the recipe of your so called ‘classic coffee’ without due warning to those of a sensitive nature.

There was no email or text message warning me that such a recipe change had occurred. There was no note on the label excitedly shouting ‘new recipe’ and there was no note given to the delivery man to warn me of such a potential threat.

I can only assume that you did not wish to publicise a change to the recipe, fearing a backlash from those who would be all too aware that the change was not for the better. In fact I suggest that the reason you could not publicise a new and improved recipe was due to the simple fact that you were all too aware that the recipe had not been improved, it had, in fact, been fundamentally compromised.

The current flavour bears no resemblance to the previous flavour, the colour is fouler, and the stench is something to be reckoned with.

I understand that you may accuse me of being mistaken, wishing that my reputation, rather than yours, be the reputation which is discredited as a result of this sad encounter. However due to my penchant for irregular and unnecessary bulk buying, it just so happens that I still have a cupboard full of the old (and markedly better) recipe coffee, that cupboard now includes a couple of 300g jars of your new ‘classic coffee’ (I am sure that you can now see the reason for the quotation marks) so that if you so desire we may meet, break open a couple of jars of coffee and directly compare the two.

Just remember that due to my dietary requirements I cannot have biscuits.

If, however, you are willing to take me on my word alone and accept the truth about the diminished quality of your ‘Classic Coffee’ then I would request a refund for two 300g jars of the stuff.

I would also a request an apology, as the change in the recipe made me sad and I now feel bereft, having lost the beverage which has acted as my companion for so long.

I have included a video in this e-mail so that if my words have not been enough to fully convey my dissatisfaction, then perhaps these images and sounds will somehow help you to understand my suffering.

Yours etc,

H.Powis (Ms)


  1. Ha Lactose intolerant here too! Best one is usual label usual food they now stuff lactose in the recipe WITHOUT TELLING YOU!!! Just let me get off the loo and then I'll write them a complaint letter............................

    U following me on twitter ;-)

    1. lovely, thank you for that. The thought of you on the toilet has made it all worthwhile....