Thursday, 24 May 2012

First week of summer!


Ooh look it’s all shiney and summery and birds are singing and lawns are a’mowing.

In’t all lovely, like in one of them butter adverts?

No. No it bloody well isn’t.

Apart from the blazing sunshine, which does absolutely nothing, except cause searing pain in my face, there is heavy, sweltering heat. No I don’t want to go frolicking on the beach, or skipping through the fields, because I feel like a great heffalump of flabby chavness is sitting on my face.

lambrini... in an alley
This is, of course, worse at night. Because then you are left with no choice but to attempt to get a breeze through your nether regions by casting open all the windows in the house and exposing yourself to the great wild menagerie outside your walls.

I’m not just talking about randy cats and broody badgers, no, tis the neighbours I refer to. The social dynamics of those I live in close proximity to would cause baboons to be disgusted at their lack of class.

Their bizarre discussions regarding petunias after two and a half bottles of Lambrini are nothing, nothing compared to their pre-copulation rituals involving Tina Turner, vodka shots and “Sing-star”.

It would be the stuff of nightmares except for the sad fact that I can’t sleep for long enough to actually have any.

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