Monday, 14 May 2012

If I had a monkey…

I have been poking around the internet and looking at funny things that make me laugh, which is only slightly better than looking at awful things which make me laugh, because interspersed between the awful things that make me laugh there tends to be a few awful things that make me wretch. So it is usually safer to look at funny things that make me laugh. Like beedogs.

Where was I? Monkeys!

Yes I was poking around and it got me to thinking, what would I do if I had a monkey? Now, yes technically I already have a monkey in my employ. However that monkey is not my monkey, he is his own, rather unreliable, monkey.

So, just to let you know:

If I had a monkey...

Chaos Army of Monkeys
I would clone the monkey and then I would have many monkeys. I would then dress the monkeys as bell boys, and graft giant wings on their backs. Then I would stand at an open window and cackle, sending the monkeys on their way shouting ‘Fly my prettys fly!’ I wouldn’t care if the monkeys didn’t come back or died or something cos I wouldn’t really be sending them anywhere, its just that ever since I was smaller I wanted to do that, so that is what I would do.

Butler Monkey
I would send the monkey to a butler training academy and then have a monkey butler who would serve me pims on the lawn and set up croquet for me. Then, when I get bored of making up the rules and cheating, the monkey would pack up the croquet and say ‘will that be all m’lady?’.

Dancing Monkey
I would send the monkey to a dance academy and then the monkey would learn interpretive dance as well as some street dance and maybe some two-step (for the old dears) I would then send the monkey out to busk and he would put down a cap and people would throw money in the cap and then he would say ‘thanks guv’nor’ and bring the money-filled cap back to me. I might also make him dance on the roof with a chimney sweep, but I haven’t confirmed that idea yet.

Working Monkey
I would dress the monkey in my clothes and send the monkey to work in my place. Very few people would notice the difference between me and the monkey, and those that did notice the difference would be too polite to say anything to my face although they might whisper ‘she’s let herself go’ in the corner.

Shopping Monkey
I would send the monkey to buy books for me so that I don’t have to wait days for amazon to deliver them to me. If it is a really clever monkey then it wouldn’t have to pay for the books and I would save enough money to buy a boat.

Assassin Monkey
this one is naked but you get the general idea
I would dress the monkey as a ninja assassin and send him to exterminate all the people and things I don’t have the time to exterminate myself. Being a monkey he would be able to climb walls and enter buildings through air vents so he wouldn’t have any trouble carrying out his orders. Although he might feel guilty about his assassin life after a while so I might have to keep erasing his memory and then retraining him to be an assassin, but it would be worth it in the long run.

Remote control Monkey
Rather than using the buttons on the remote control I would train the monkey to flick through the channels for me, this way I can keep my hands under my blankie and I won’t get them cold, like I do when I have to change channels with the remote. And if there is nothing on and I have to flick channels or search through 'on demand' this can mean my hands will get very cold. So the monkey would be very useful in this area.

Famous Monkey
I would make the monkey an internet sensation and then I would put him on fiverr and say that he will give autographs for a fiver or maybe do a dance  video and then I will get so rich off the back of the monkey that I could buy a small county, like Latvia.

Maybe you too can think about what you would do with a monkey. Just think about it though, don’t tell me or write to me or anything – people are starting to do that and it is a bit weird. So stop that.


  1. Why doesn't monkey rhyme with donkey ?

    1. I do believe I have asked that same question myself.