Monday, 22 October 2012

Sending (Insert relevant celebration) Cards

Utterly pointless pieces of crap.

Every one wants to save the planet and yet here we are, every year strangled by a ridiculous Victorian practice thought up by a population who were over excited about the invention of the one penny stamp.

Well I think the novelty has rather worn off to be honest. All we do is cut down a load of perfectly good trees, spray glitter and sickening sentiment over their pulped corpses and send them off to people we don’t speak to and don’t particularly like. We might as well get a few fivers, blend it into a paste and create a fetching papier mache hat for the cat. It would be far more amusing.

So how do we deal with this hideous situation we have found ourselves in?

Well we take advantage of the general uselessness of other people in order to hide our own failings:

Special Christmas Card Tip (this will also work for birthdays, or any other event in which you are forced to send a card):
For those irritating stuck up petulant spoilt children of relatives and no longer liked friends who are expecting a wad of cash in card form, simply grab a cheap old card for 10p from some dodgy little card shop.
Write the card as per usual, including sickening sentiment, seal the card, place a stamp on the card, rip the card open and place it in the post. When they get their card they will automatically assume the wad of cash was stolen.
Sorted!
For about 70p you have done your duty and provided a valuable life lesson to the child!

This can of course be repeated ad infinitum – send only empty, tampered with envelopes to friends and relatives! Never buy cards again!

You could even scratch at the corner of the envelope to make it appear as if the stamp had been ripped off!

You’ll save a tonne of money.

Work based tip:
At work (or school, for the little ones) it is an entirely different matter (unless you can blame the internal mail system).
So don’t bother with cards – if you are forced into a corner, just google image ‘Christmas’ (or other relevant thingy, you get the idea) cut and paste some innocuous old picture and send it in a mass email.

However YOU MUST add some sort of ‘save the planet’ logo somewhere, so that the irritating idiot you work with won’t have a leg to stand on when they try to claim your not ‘getting in to the spirit’.

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