Monday, 19 November 2012

How to cope with: The ‘Christmas Spirit’

There really is no way out you know. I have been desperately trying all weekend to think of a decent way out. Or even an indecent way out. Just saying ‘I’m opting out this year’ ever so politely to people and not acknowledging that Christmas is happening.

I was thinking it is rather like waiting for your own execution. Then I realised that I was totally wrong about that.

An execution lasts seconds (if you’re lucky) then sweet, sweet oblivion.

it's a sickness that needs to be stopped
Waiting for Christmas is like patiently waiting for three days of hideous, hideous torture, surrounded by several weeks of mind-numbing and relentless pain.

So today we focus on ‘Spirit’. The Christmassy type.

It is vomit inducing and usually includes smiling Americans, and ‘hilarious’ Hollywood mooovies about love and being together and how commercialism doesn’t really matter when you have each other (which would, of course, mean so much more if the mooovie hadn't made 75 million)

Some people manage to just sail through the season without any problems at all.

I am starting to believe that is the best method to cope.

It’s like a wave, resisting it will drown you, you have to dive in and swim through it.

NO, I am not suggesting that you sit down with the family and sing tunes around the piano, which would probably kill you.

Instead, scatter yourself. Scatter yourself far and wide. Visit people, take a drink and a piece of cheese on a stick, then go. Visit someone else, quickly! Visit for no longer than a couple of minutes and rush away again! No one will question your busyness!


Pretend to do the above. Every time you accidently bump into someone, rush off after a few seconds ‘Sorry must fly, have to collect the Christmas pud/Australian relative/giant toy for a child you don’t know’. Anytime, anyone visits, say you’re just going out and usher them out the door after barely a pause for breath.

You have relatives and friends (you must do, otherwise none of this would be a problem) there are also many, many charities you might claim to be helping, you could also claim to be part of the donkey in the local panto! No one need know, and don’t be too specific about which local group you have joined.

Be seen to be a whirling frenzy! Never stopping for a second because you are just so friggen into Christmas.

Then you can be free to sit on your backside and enjoy the blissful silence.

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