Monday, 26 November 2012

How To: Give

Hmmm giving. It’s a bit of a big old mess really, isn’t it?

I do feel the need to point out to that you can abstain. You don’t have to give, you don’t have to partake. You can refuse. It is an option. But do you have the constitution for it?

I think we all know the answer to that, we all feel the pull of social obligation, the hideous, compulsory nature of it all, if we all took a stand together and just said ‘no’ then it would be all right. But it won’t happen, it can’t happen, there is always some little shit that wants to give.

It is because of them, that one smug git, that we are all in this mess together.

Why do we give? Once we start to understand this, we might be able to find a way to wriggle out of it.

Ignoring the smug gits that enjoy the feeling or whatever, let’s go through the reasons the rest of us normal folk give stuff away:

1: Because it is too much hassle not to, because you cannot, no matter how much you try, ignore your parents and other ‘loved ones’.
Handmade beards. Always a valid option.

Try: Default presents. My father has often received 4 or 5 chocolate oranges at once; it is his default gift, the one everyone falls back on. You’ve known your family long enough, find something random, stick to it. Easy.

OR: Make something: every bugger is doing it, it’s all the rage, apparently it shows that you love. Don’t get too hung up on it, there is a tonne of crap out there that you can buy and cobble together for your mum. Best of all there are places where you can buy handmade useless crap. It completely defeats the object, but who cares? You won’t get glue on your fingers.

2: We may find ourselves in the situation in where someone at work  or a 'friend' puts a little box of chocolates on our desk, you have that sinking feeling in your stomach when you realise that you must return the favour. 

You can stop this, but it takes time and dedication: the aim here is to reduce the value of the gift slightly over a number of occasions. You can do this straight away by just not giving anything back. But this can cause pent up anger from the other party which can explode into other areas, not always pretty. Be subtle.

They spent a fiver, you spend four quid, and always exchange like for like. So it is frikken obvious to their little brains that they aren't getting as much back; they will reduce the value of their gift out of a feeling of being treated unfairly. You do the same. They spend four, you spend three.

Do not give into a temptation to compete – if they start spending more, then simply ignore their moose-like stomping, get them the same gift as last year, that little box of lindt, they will soon stop their silly nonsense when they realise that you're the winner because you're spending less. They will stop their competing, and the gifts will reduce and may even stop altogether. Sorted.

3: Because we want something in return. I don’t wanna know what it is, don’t care.

But if this is the case then you have to become a gift wizard, a ninja of altruism, calculating your every move to ensure that the receiver follows the path you have laid before them and ends up just where you want them and willing to lavish upon you whatever filthy thing you were after.

This takes the kind of behind the scenes preparation that MI5 would be proud of, you must ensure that the gift, the paper, the placement, the timing, the colouring of the flippin tag is absolutely perfectly, spot on right, in order to appeal directly to the receiver’s sense of gratitude, flattery whatever the frick you're going for. This will take obsessive, stalker like skills and is probably going to occur once in a blue moon and since I am now thoroughly bored of this blog I’m simply going to wish you the best of luck.

Right I’m done, I’m going to curl up and sleep for a bit.

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