Monday, 12 November 2012

HOW TO: Survive the Christmas ‘WORK DO’

It’ll happen.

No doubt they are already plotting it. Sometimes they forget, but some bright little bugger will always chirp up and say ‘Oh wot ‘bout Christmas do fing yeah?’ You could fling something heavy at that person’s face before they stop talking, but that can occasionally cause more problems than it solves.

So what to do?

You could just say you aren’t going. Then stick two fingers up at the person who asked.

This is often fine, if you don’t have to interact with the people you work with. However if there is some reliance on others which could be hindered by their hatred of you, then you might have to come up with an excuse.
twisted bastards

DO NOT: provide the excuse too early.

This is a massive no no!

They might try to accommodate you by moving the date. This has happened! So be warned.

Leave the excuse until they have booked the venue, got the drinks ordered and you know that there will be no dates left if they want to change it. You are now safe to provide the perennial excuse of ‘Family commitments’.

You could have a sickly relative, although this may only last once or twice.

By far the BEST excuse is to:
a) be foreign and leave the country (not for everyone, obviously)
b) have a ‘close’ relative that lives abroad, and is only in this country for the weekend on which the ‘do’ happens to fall.

This excuse can be used again, and again, and again. They can be pulled out the bag at the last minute, and of course in dire circumstances you can combine the relative from aboard with the sick relative and have a ‘sick, foreign relative’ excuse that will get you out of anything. Even at short notice.

IF YOU DO GO:

There may be free booze. Drink as much as you can, but try to leave before they can take pictures of you collapsed in the toilet.

OR

Don’t drink, wait around, then take pictures of your boss collapsed in the toilet.

As tempting as it may be, try not to take advantage of that colleague that you’ve had your eye on for the past 6 months, UNLESS you have the power to fire them when things inevitably get awkward.

Finally: you could try making the most of a bad situation; Try quietly provoking people you hate into having arguments with each other, or even with you, being careful to make it seem as though you are the ‘good guy’ – No longer will they have the power to make you feel like a caged chimpanzee!

But what ever you do, do not (I repeat) DO NOT: dance.

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